Accepting Reality

Chris Harrison: This is the most dramatic post ever written on The Huntress Blog.

As I watched Colton get his heart broken by Cassie on The Bachelor, I unexpectedly felt tears stream down my face. I was familiar with that pit in his stomach, that feeling that “This is not actually happening to me right now. It’s not real” running on repeat through your mind. But it IS real. The love of your life (or your life as you know it up to that point) is walking away. And to be honest with you, the feelings that remind me of this are much closer than when John walked away almost 5 years ago. I’ve definitely been falling in love after that. Thankfully. *Hair toss*

Today, I felt Colton’s pain so raw like it was happening to me. Sometimes, I actually feel like I’m living my own Bachelorette series. There’s fewer than 25 guys, but that’s almost easier, right? It’s much harder when there’s only a few and you really start making connections. When you know their siblings names and how they broke their first bone. Like Colton, I think one of my greatest fears is being in a relationship only to realize it’s not being reciprocated. A relationship where I’m more in love, or one where I’m not able to match their feelings for me. Both are equally unsettling.

If you’re the one giving more, and your partner decides you’re not for them, the feeling can best be described as someone hollowing you out, removing everything that’s kept you alive, made you feel, allowed you to think, and just letting it sit there next to you. “Here’s good.”

On the flip side, the feeling of being in a relationship that’s just “nice”, makes you feel like you’ve let yourself down. That you might never find that fire that you’re looking for. I’ve had the fire. I know what love feels like for me. I know how it feels for me with different people. And I know when the wick has been sparked. I can tell that I’m going to love someone long before I actually love them. And I can tell when the match isn’t striking.

I’ve been in Colton’s shoes, where you just cannot stop thinking about someone. Every day you put your makeup on in hopes that your paths will cross. When you hear a joke, you feel like you’re bursting at the seams until you can tell your person and laugh together. When something awesome happens or when you’ve had your least favorite day ever, all you want to do is feel their presence in the same room, even if it’s a silent touch. That feeling of being terrified and safe, excited and comfortable, planning your future and enjoying your moments, laughing uncontrollably and seriously understanding, feeling dolled up and naturally beautiful, sharing physical electricity and complete mental immersion, approaching life as adventurous and committed, giving confirmation and receiving confirmation ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Well, shit. If that doesn’t feel like love, I don’t know what will. That doesn’t mean that’s what love IS. It needs to be all of the things love IS and feel exhilarating. Amen!

The most crazy part about all of this, is that when you’ve experienced “it not working out” enough times, you can breeze through your longing bravely. You’re not moping around under a dark cloud, you’re singing, and laughing, and looking freakin’ fabulous, and enjoying every delicious piece of joy that God and The Universe is handing to you. Maybe that’s the Denial stage…but I’ve found it’s really quite helpful refusing to believe that you are where you are, because once you’ve come to terms with your reality, you’re already on to what’s next for you. If the only thing that being “in love does”, is remind you how you want to feel, then, maybe that’s enough? Just thinking out loud here…

I thought about censoring this, because “you never know who’s reading”, but then that would really defeat the purpose of me writing honestly, wouldn’t it? I mean, this is my gift. I am a woman who speaks her mind in voice and in typed words. I get inspired and I need to get.it.out. NOW. And yes, if we’ve gone on dates and there’s been a connection, I’m going to write about you, tastefully. That’s what I do, that’s who I am, that’s another part of me to love. Will it be in a short blog post? Maybe. Will it be in my inspirational book that has an undisclosed release date? Probably. Curious? There’s still time to get your own chapter – I haven’t handed out my final rose.

 

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I Love Me, I Love Me Not

You try too hard.

You’re so needy.

Nice cellulite.

You don’t look like you have a personal trainer…your stomach isn’t even flat.

You’re not as pretty as you think you are.

He could have literally anyone. Why would he be interested in you?

You’ve never been skiing and you’re afraid of the water…good luck finding someone adventurous.

Even the guy who you thought loved you, didn’t want to marry you.

Ouch. That last one stung like a Bee-tch. Mean, right? I’m saddened to admit that I’m the one that’s said these words. To myself. WTF? I know I’m not alone when it comes to having insecurities.  Lauren Daigle wrote a song about it. Hailey Bieber did an Instagram post on it. Kylie got camera shy about it.

I read and re-read all of those nasty things I say to myself. And do you know what feels even more believable than all that? These other things I know about myself –

You go out of your way to make people feel included.

You’re so loving and playful!

Your arms look incredible!

I can tell you’ve been doing your squats.

Your nose is so cute!

You radiate confidence. Also, you’re a badass.

You’re really independent.

Wow! He’s a total idiot! Whoever marries you is going to be the Luckiest Man in the Whole World!

If you’re like me, it’s easy to give give give love to others. It’s time to give the love back to ourselves this Valentine’s Day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank You

Happy Valentine’s Day! As I get older, I have the benefit of experience to make sure I am attracting only quality people into my life. Sometimes they don’t stay as long as I’d like, but yet, they really leave an extra large imprint in an extra small amount of time.

This is a huge Thank You to those who have shared their kindness, their time, their insecurities, their humor, their kisses, their dreams, and their honesty. You have filled my heart with joy, laughter, and maybe, just maybe, a little bit of love.

 

 

 

These are a few of my favorite things

I had a wonderful Christmas filled with great family time. Of course there were lots of gifts, but two that really tugged at my heartstrings.

My Dad and Barb know how much I love nostalgic memorabilia, especially when its personal to my own childhood. I grew up on Spruce Street, so Barb found this beautiful metal Spruce Street street sign on eBay.

When she looked a little closer, she saw that it was made in Pottstown, PA. And there’s only ONE Spruce Street in my town, so this was the ACTUAL street sign on my street growing up. Since it was made to fit on a pole, my Dad made a sweet wooden stand, so I can display it in my home. And it brought out *all the feels*

Just when I thought I couldn’t get any luckier, I opened this beautiful gift from my Mama:

Word of the Year necklaces! She had each charm engraved with my words and their year:

2014 Love

2015 Grow

2016 Present

2017 Trust

2018 Welcome

2019 was left blank, so I can engrave it with whatever is coming for me next! You can read more about my words here.

Tears.of.Joy! Every time I wear them, I feel like I’m wearing badges of accomplishment for getting through the hardest and most fun years of my life. AND they’re in gold, silver, and rose gold. DI-vine!

It was a Merry Merry Christmas 🙂