You Asked For It: Dating Wisdom

I’ve been finding myself in a few dating situations lately where I’ve managed to really stand up for myself, reflect on a part of my life that wasn’t clear before, or even help friends with their dating struggles. One of my friends told me that I should write about it (why didn’t I think of that?!) And so, because I felt so inspired today, I’m taking her advice to dish out some advice of my own.

Now, you may know how I feel about advice, if you’ve read this post, which talks about how I’ve been trying to stop asking for advice and follow my own intuition. Maybe “advice” isn’t the best word. Maybe “wisdom” is better? Overall, I just want to share some situations that have happened to me and what I’ve done to get past the obstacles and keep moving forward.

SITUATION 1: Guy asks for first date at 7:30pm days in advance, yet on the day of, sends intermittent texts from 7:30-9:00, then trails off without actually confirming plans

SOLUTION: Respond by texting, “I’m thinking that tonight isn’t going to happen, no worries. I have a couple of other things I would like to do tonight, and waiting for you to respond isn’t one of them. Have a good night!”

BENEFIT: You get to go on a date with someone else instead, write a blog post, fold laundry, call your best friend, watch Dateline, paint your nails, cook a fantastic dinner, or stay at home without wearing pants. But mostly, you get to stand up for yourself and make it light-hearted. No, you’re not going to throw yourself on your bed sobbing yourself to sleep, but you ARE letting him know that you have higher standards and that you are a highly sought-after commodity who doesn’t accept that kind of behavior.

 

SITUATION 2: Sober man at party is catcalling, making inappropriate comments, and being offensive to you and your friends

SOLUTION: Walk over and say POLITELY and SINCERELY, “You have been extremely obnoxious this whole evening while I’m trying to have a conversation with my friends.” *Look in their eyes, so they can see that you’re talking person-to-person* “It’s really inappropriate. So, I’d really appreciate that for the rest of the party, you can tone it down, OK? Have fun, but please respect us.” This only works if you’re actually sincere. You can’t have an attitude while saying this. You need to rouse feelings of remorse rather than defensiveness.

BENEFIT: You’re standing up for yourself when most women would put their bitch-face on and curse this guy out. That’s what he’s probably used to. By approaching this head-on, you’re catching him off-guard, and likely to get an honest respect.

SITUATION 3: New (or old) relationship is feeling a little “off”. You talk all of the time, but it feels like there’s no communication. You try to do nice things for him, but it’s like all of your actions are going unnoticed.

SOLUTION: Ever hear of the The Five Love Languages? Yeah, well, once I started reading about them, it pretty much blew my mind. You often do for others what you’d like done for you, but if you’re not speaking the same love language, there can be so much miscommunication, when there doesn’t need to be. There I was showering my partner with texts and notes gushing about how much I loved him (Words of Affirmation) and letting the dishes sit in the sink so we could spend a quiet night together (Quality Time), when what he really needed to feel loved, was for me to offer to cook dinner (Acts of Service) and pick up a little something for him when I was out “just because” (Receiving Gifts). What’s funny is that often you don’t even think about this, you just realize that something’s missing when it’s not happening. This man was not a material person, yet, he liked small presents.

BENEFIT: You FINALLY get to “talk” to your partner in ways that mean something to THEM.

 

SITUATION 4: Boy you’ve been dating for several months goes out to a bar with you and blatantly flirts and exchanges numbers with another woman right in front of you, completely humiliating you in front of his friends. Then asks, “Are you mad?!”

SOLUTION: Talk to this man-child about the situation once you have a chance to be alone. The fact that he’s asked you “Are you mad?!” indicates that this is a “prepared response”, meaning he’s done this before and is used to self-sabotaging relationships by creating situations where the woman breaks things off, so he doesn’t have to. Similar to Situation 2, most girls would probably slap him in the face, call him a f*ckboy, and maybe even throw her drink at him. But not you, you Glorious Goddess. By having an adult conversation with him in private, you are handling this like a woman. You are forcing him to man-up and face an action that was more embarrassing to him than it was to you. You could say something like, “If you are still looking to date around, that’s totally fine. You should do whatever and whoever you want then! But that kind of behavior is really unacceptable to me, personally. I have higher standards that need to be met, in order for me to invest any more time in someone.” I can report that this interaction caused this particular guy to:

  1. Apologize
  2. Open up about a whole bunch of other deep-seeded issues he was facing
  3. Tell the truth
  4. Turn off his defense mechanisms
  5. Self-reflect about his behavior
  6. Tell me he loved me
  7. Continue contacting me after we both agreed the relationship was over

I do believe that some people have different capacities to love, and that one person’s 100% still may not be enough. Not a bad thing, just not the right thing. Whether or not the constant contact is behavior typical of today’s 30-something male who loves staying a “text’s distance away” is highly debated amongst my friends, however, it’s proof that you can still show your worth and he won’t run away (but with that behavior, who cares if he does!) They seem to like knowing that you’re holding them to a higher standard, even if they don’t attempt to achieve it.

BENEFIT: First, you get to move onto a man who can’t take his eyes off of you! But for your own pride, you’ve stood out against other women by behaving like a woman, not a girl. This guy won’t ever be able to forget you. You might just turn his whole world upside-down by showing him that there is another way of handling things. That’s not guaranteeing a lasting relationship, but certainly creating a lasting effect. #illtakethehighroad

SITUATION 5: After a few dates, you realize that the nice man you’re seeing (you know, the one who’s TOTALLY into you) is not The One, and you aren’t reciprocating the feelings.

SOLUTION: Thank him for the time you spent together, say you weren’t vibing, and keep it light. Inevitably, this type of nice guy is going to ask you “Why?” To which you will ALWAYS respond again (paraphrasing your orignal sentiment), “I didn’t feel like we were vibing the way we need to, in order to continue” or “I’m looking for chemistry that I didn’t feel was there.” There might be a couple of other quirks, or beliefs, or traits that combined with pages and vibes weren’t working for you. But, if you feel final in your verdict, be final in your delivery. Leaving it open ended can cause huge amounts of hurt and confusion, where the man tries to find the loophole to get you back in that instant.

BENEFIT: Ugh. Why do they always want to know why? NOTHING, and I mean, NOTHING good can come out of answering this question more fully. Think about it this way: What if you asked a guy that you were super into why it wasn’t working, and he said “You know, your family is just too loud and opinionated, and it was too stressful for me to be around them.” Ummm, guess what? It’s possible that you end up feeling a little self-conscious about introducing your new man to your loud, fun Italian family because you’re afraid that he’ll leave too. Meanwhile, that same new boyfriend has been hoping, wishing, praying that he’d meet a crazy fun family that would make him feel like one of their own. And now, you’re making him miss out, because of some other bozo who wasn’t right for you. Don’t make a man self-conscious for a trait that YOU weren’t into. The next woman might be looking for exactly that.

Hope that helps! I could really go on, but until we have more situations, this will have to do!

❤ The Huntress

 

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What 4 Years and Some Sunshine (and palm trees) Can Do…

Hi Y’all!

I FINALLY made my move to Charleston! And I’m that happiest that I’ve ever been. The kind of happy that’s not because of anyone, but because of the peace I feel inside. I went grocery shopping today – like, maybe the most mundane errand ever- and as I was unloading my cart, I thought about how freakin’ happy I am, even to be putting bags of food into my car. How fortunate am I that I can live my idea of a dream life? How happy am I that I worked really hard to be exactly where I am. Right now. In THIS moment.

Today marks 4 years since my life changed forever. It became a turning point, to which all other events in my life either fall “before” or “after”. There was a time when I thought I could never be myself again. How could I, when I didn’t even know who that was? I felt hollow. I felt like I lost all of my identity. I had no idea that I was just beginning to find it.

Many people told me stories about someone they knew who lived through the devastating loss of a “forever” relationship. They told me the ex-bride was doing well. I asked how long ago it happened. They said 2 years. I remember thinking that I wasn’t sure if I could make it 2 hours, let alone 2 years. And here I am today feeling like it happened to an old acquaintance. If someone recorded me telling my story and played it back to me now, I would honestly gather their hands in mine and tell them I can’t imagine the pain they feel. It’s like your mind goes into preservation mode and makes you forget, so that you can keep going forward. A few weeks after John left, my aunt gathered all of her friends, my friends, and our family and asked them to write me beautiful letters of love and encouragement. I still have them in a little box, and I pull them out occasionally to remind me how much I’m loved. There was one in particular that always has stuck with me. My aunt’s friend wrote, “Just as shattered glass is used to make a beautiful stained glass window…one day dear Sarah…one day your own shattered glass around you now, will come together as a magnificent window.”

Wow.

Hopefully that gives you a better idea of the kind of window I am now. Made of tiny pieces of shattered glass: sharp when I need to be strong, colorful when I need to brighten someone’s day, bold enough to speak my mind, soft enough to filter harshness, clear enough to spread light.

If you are going through something that seems impossible, I can promise you that it does get better. Let me shine for you and tell you that I am proof of the colorful light at the end of the tunnel. There is so much joy to be had. Every day is made just for your enjoyment!

❤ The Huntress

Thank You

Happy Valentine’s Day! As I get older, I have the benefit of experience to make sure I am attracting only quality people into my life. Sometimes they don’t stay as long as I’d like, but yet, they really leave an extra large imprint in an extra small amount of time.

This is a huge Thank You to those who have shared their kindness, their time, their insecurities, their humor, their kisses, their dreams, and their honesty. You have filled my heart with joy, laughter, and maybe, just maybe, a little bit of love.

 

 

 

These are a few of my favorite things

I had a wonderful Christmas filled with great family time. Of course there were lots of gifts, but two that really tugged at my heartstrings.

My Dad and Barb know how much I love nostalgic memorabilia, especially when its personal to my own childhood. I grew up on Spruce Street, so Barb found this beautiful metal Spruce Street street sign on eBay.

When she looked a little closer, she saw that it was made in Pottstown, PA. And there’s only ONE Spruce Street in my town, so this was the ACTUAL street sign on my street growing up. Since it was made to fit on a pole, my Dad made a sweet wooden stand, so I can display it in my home. And it brought out *all the feels*

Just when I thought I couldn’t get any luckier, I opened this beautiful gift from my Mama:

Word of the Year necklaces! She had each charm engraved with my words and their year:

2014 Love

2015 Grow

2016 Present

2017 Trust

2018 Welcome

2019 was left blank, so I can engrave it with whatever is coming for me next! You can read more about my words here.

Tears.of.Joy! Every time I wear them, I feel like I’m wearing badges of accomplishment for getting through the hardest and most fun years of my life. AND they’re in gold, silver, and rose gold. DI-vine!

It was a Merry Merry Christmas 🙂

 

 

Word of the Year: 2018

Happy 2018, Loves!

Maybe this will give you some “light reading” as you’re nursing your hangovers 🙂

2017 was full of lessons helping me to Trust the Process (which was fitting for this Philly gal) It took me until August to really embrace trusting. And I can honestly say that the past couple months can only be described as a whirlwind. I made an impromptu move into the city, asked for (and received) a promotion, enjoyed a solo vacation, and packed my social calendar with fun events. I am not bidding Good Riddance to 2017, but I am glad to usher in a new year of really amazing experiences.

This year, I am feeing more ready-than-ever to share my Word of the Year with you.

Like, SO excited that I’ve already been sharing it in person with some of you…

In October, I started to think about what I really wanted for myself in 2018. It took about 20 seconds before “Welcome” hit me like a ton of bricks. It was that clear, and that right.

-I am ready to welcome new experiences that I previously did not consider.

-I am welcoming anyone who wants to come “play” in my realm.

-I am saying welcome to happiness and laughter and joy and friendship and romance and abundance and travel and love and well-being.

-I am literally laying a welcome mat outside my emotional/physical/mental self and inviting those on the outside to come in.

Even just TYPING this post is giving me butterflies!

In August 2016, I thought I would never be able to fully love again. I thought I would never heal the way I wanted to, in order to have the life I’ve always wanted. I didn’t know where I wanted to live, or even how to figure any of it out. I am SO ready for this year and all of the goodness it will bring. I’ve looked forward to fresh starts before, but I have never been more excited about a new year than I am for 2018!

Read more about my previous words, Trust, Present, and Grow!

Do you have any words this year?

 

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Word of the Year: 2017

2017-calendar

source

Happy New Year! I’ve known for several years that 2017 was coming, but wow, did it get here fast!

When times are hard, it’s easy to say, “Yeah, that was just NOT my year…” And sometimes it really isn’t. It’s a contrast year, showing you everything you don’t want and making what you do want that much clearer.

WORDOFTHEYEARsource

My Word of the Year for 2016 was Present. It took me several months to get into the groove, but once I did, it was like the rapids, and it all came flowing so fast, I had no choice but to let go and enjoy the ride. And you just wouldn’t believe the presents that presented themselves. Presents in the form of laughter, in the form of friendship, in the form of love, in the form of money. Unreal, and yet so real!

I wanted to be fully accepting of where I am in my life right now. So I accepted.this-is-30

I wanted to start enjoying the current moments. So I enjoyed.abbey-laughing

I wanted to open my eyes to the glorious things that surround me today. So I opened them.post-5-years

I wish I could include all of the photos of everyone that showed me I am loved and filled with light. I wish I could post pictures of every place I went that confirmed that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I wish I could describe every conversation when I felt that there was no where else I’d rather be, but in that moment. Instead, I will say Thank You to the people who are special to me and filled 2016 with more joy than I could have anticipated.

Now that I’ve been living the high life, I’ve got to get into some deep sh…stuff. I’ve decided that my Word of the Year for 2017 is:

trust word in vintage grunge wooden letterpress printing blocks, isolated on white

Trust. Now that I’ve Loved, and Grown, and lived in the Present, I need to start trusting the process, trusting myself, and trusting others again.

It’s about being confident in my own life experiences to know when I’m making decisions that are leading me on my desired path.

It’s about knowing I can have everything I want, I just have to give up the control and know that it will appear when it’s time.

It’s about believing in myself to know that the trail my heart has already blazed, has only one option-to come to be. No more uncertainty.

I am SO looking forward to all of the joys that 2017 will bring!

What’s your word this year?

Light and Easy

Hello from Philadelphia!

Since I’ve been home, I’ve been thinking about everything that is important to me. Fostering friendships, laughing, enjoying my work, cultivating important relationships, eating really good food, spending time with family, laughing more, transforming my hair into “Charleston Blonde”, so I can finally be a blonde “Ole” emoji in my group text with my Chucktown Girls, more laughing, and committing to fun in everyday life 🙂

blonde-emojiimg_1183

I truly feel like I emerged out of my chrysalis into the most beautiful butterfly. I’m in the best place in my life to give and receive love. I’ve proved to myself many, many times throughout the past few years that everything is possible. “Fierce” is the best way that I can describe the feeling that I have entering my 30s.

In order for me to keep up this momentum (because, let’s face it, life throws you some lemons, even when you’re sipping that lemonade you made from the last ones), I’ve been listening to a TON of Abraham Hicks videos on YouTube. It just makes SO MUCH SENSE!

Everything SHOULD be Light and Easy. Why do we make everything more complicated for ourselves? I have SO many instances where The Universe has provided me exactly what I’ve needed at exactly the right time. So why should now be any different?

If you need some inspiration, then definitely check out the link. It’s brought me so much peace in my time of transition. Everyday, I feel closer to clarity, closer to alignment, and trying to enjoy the growth that comes from experiencing contrast. Abbey and I say, “The vortex is there for you, all you have to do is step in!”

It’s almost time for a new Word of the Year, and I’ve got one that feels like the right choice for 2017. Stay tuned!