Under the Southern Sun

“Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn’t actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you’ve promised to cherish till death do you part says “I never loved you,” it should kill you instantly. You shouldn’t have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn’t know. The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid.” – Frances Mayes, Under the Tuscan Sun

I remember hearing this once and imagining the pain. Then I remember hearing it again and understanding the pain. Then I looked it up to post it and could physically feel the pain. The ending of any relationship you weren’t ready to end should kill you instantly. When people ask how you are, you can’t even begin to describe the way your insides feel. You can’t articulate that you don’t want to stay home but you don’t want to go out, you don’t want to talk about it, but you have to talk about it, you don’t want to be alone, but you don’t want to be with friends. You just want your best friend…

I’m swimming in my current hurt wondering how I survived my previous hurts. Literally thinking, “My God, how did you make it? Tell me, so I can live through this.” And my answer is you have to feel the desire for what you want MORE than you feel the pain of what you don’t have. 

I’ve been listening to TONS of Abraham Hicks on various topics…maybe some include, “How to Get Your Lover Back”…but, in an Abraham way: You’d have to believe they left in order to get them back…which brings me to another story. My mom visited me in the fall and bought me the most unique earrings from a local artisan at our farmer’s market. They both reminded us of my Aunt Cindy who passed away over 20 years ago. Every time I wear them, I think of her, and my mom and the love she has for me. So, 2 weeks ago, I packed them in a bag to wear for the weekend, and when those plans – and what felt like the rest of my life plans – totally fell apart, I lost all consciousness and, as a result, lost the earrings. If I didn’t already have enough to be devastated about, I now added the loss of my mom’s gift to my list. I kept thinking back – I remembered trying to figure out where to put them so they’d be safe while I was traveling and I tried various places before settling on one…which was still unknown to me. I checked all of the pockets of my pants, my purse, my coat, my car, my gym bag, my makeup bag, my work bag, and got excited when I felt something in a small jewelry bag, only to realize it wasn’t them. I’d been listening to Abe to help cope with my relationship status, and kept hearing, “If you keep thinking the relationship is lost, then of course you’ll never find it” and “You have to get into alignment, then the inspiration will come for the next step.” Hmmm…I wondered if I could apply this to the earrings? If I already knew they were there, then I could relax and allow the inspiration to take me to them. One morning at the gym, I was feeling good about my workout, had just taken a relaxing shower, and was getting dressed for work, when suddenly, I remembered there was one pair of jeans that I hadn’t checked. As soon as I got home from my office, I opened the drawer, reached into the pocket…and there were the earrings. I smiled, kissed them, and said knowingly, “I knew you were here somewhere!” You may think that’s silly, but I don’t care. THAT’S how you build your confidence in knowing that you can trust yourself. That’s how you build trust knowing that God and the Universe has exactly who and what you’re looking for, you just have to allow it. God would not have brought you this far to leave you hanging. He loves you too much.

Listen to what YOU know and what YOU feel. You get to love whoever you want! Giving yourself that permission is really wonderful, even if it’s painful. At this point, I can’t begin to imagine seeing any other face besides the face of the one I love. I replay every good thing that ever happened over and over while it feels good, and then stop when it feels bad, cry it out, and then start over. Who cares if I want that good feeling back? If it’s meant to be, then it will come back, and it will be improved, because of what has grown from the situation. If you want a relationship that’s 100%, then you have to let it be 100%. That means loving yourself even when it’s hard, that means someone else even when it’s hard. That might mean that you get hurt, that might mean that you take some time apart, that might mean that you both need to sort out your priorities separately so you can come together stronger. And if it’s not with that person, it will be with another person who is just as wonderful, and if they’re not, then they’re still hiding in the pocket of a pair of jeans.