Just when you think you have it all figured out, God intervenes. In this post, I said:
“…it’s time to slow down the momentum of “Are we there yet?” and coast into “It’s happening now!”…
*Sob* I really thought my table was set. The menu was serving all of my favorite things, the plates were so beautiful, and I didn’t even have to ask for silverware…but while I was deciding, the restaurant closed for the night. And I don’t know if, or when, it’ll reopen.
It’s like you’re so hungry that you’re on the verge of reenacting The Donner Party, being super picky about what you want, after perusing your options, you happily choose Chik-Fil-A. As soon as you decide to go, your mouth starts watering. You start fantasizing about the indescribable mix of flavors that would result in the best satisfaction, ever. The combination of salty and sweet, a little spice…and that crushed ice – which you didn’t even know you needed until you tried it, makes every other ice pale in comparison. On the way, you pass McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, and even Taco Bell, but you know what you want. No Frosty or Crunchwrap Supreme could tempt you. The whole ride there you are envisioning your satiation of FINALLY getting to bite into everything you’ve ever wanted. But, as you excitedly pull into the lot, you sickeningly realize it’s Sunday – The Lord’s Day – and He says:
God: No, not today, this place is not going to satisfy you.
Me: (Hangry and shocked) But, I WANT it!
God: If you really want it, then you’ll have to wait.
Me: (Hangry and yelling) But I don’t want to wait…I want it NOW.
God: Do you really want it now? Or do you want something today that will nourish you longer?
Me: (Hangrier) Ugh…
God: Come on, take my hand.
Me: (Takes it, faithfully trusting that He’s taking me somewhere like Hall’s…)
Get the picture? I don’t want this to be my relationship story. I’d like to write a new book called “The Feast”, where I actually get to fully indulge in what I’ve been fantasizing about. A whole novel about the joy when I can finally finally finally bite into it, and taste it, and savor it, and still have more left over…that would be…amazing. So, I thought about that in December. And this brings me to my Word of the Year: 2020…Prepare.
God’s been saying to me, “If you want a real lifelong partnership, then let’s get you really ready for it. Let’s get you really hungry. Let’s let you sit with the pangs and be OK with just the water for now. Because I have what you’ve been after, and it’s taken a long time to simmer. But it’s ready – I’ve called ahead and your table is waiting.”
I know He’s been working on me for a while. Like, years. Like, a really long amount of years. Like, when you’re a kid on Christmas morning and you have to wait an hour before you can open your presents. A Christmas morning hour is basically equivalent to 14 years.
The first time I realized I was truly in love was November 2006. So, as of today, that’s (roughly) 6,955,200 minutes that I’ve been waiting to feel like my love is reciprocated. Seven MILLION minutes! My head just exploded. Now, I’m being *slightly* dramatic (and you’re not the least bit surprised…) I have certainly felt like love has been given back to me, but never in a way that was reciprocal. I’ve been longing for the kind of love and care that has felt like it’s equalled, or even exceeded, what I’ve felt for the other person. That’s not to say that I haven’t been loved, but I mean that I haven’t felt that the feelings were evenly matched from the giver and the receiver. Maybe this is the curse of having a big heart – where is The One who can match it? I literally hear God saying, “Umm, yeah, hello?? It’s me. I’m The Only One who can match it.” Still hard for me to comprehend that kind of love, but I guess I need to start there if I’m to believe that it’s possible to receive from anyone else.
This is my prayer tonight: Prepare my heart for the love I know I deserve. Prepare me to have all of the necessary tools and experiences to be the best teammate for my partner. Prepare my partner’s heart to accept the love they know they deserve. Prepare them to have all of the necessary tools and experiences to be the best teammate for me. And allow me to trust that You will bring us together when we are both fully prepared, and not a minute before.